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	“Everywhere You Want To Be”
[© May 1996, 2003 RANT, LLC \| RANT Magazine \| http://www.RANT.com]

(our thanks to Jenifer Melnick for the original "visaphone" artwork)

They're everywhere you want to be...(just not at the same time)

It's 3:35 AM. I call my credit card company's 24 hour customer service line because the introductory interest rate of 1.5% and all the free Chia Pets you can eat, has run out. I am initially in a good mood.

The automated phone system answers and I begin my trip through the maze. Since I happen to be in a wonderful mood, I decide to actually play along with the prompts this time instead of the random-key-press-until-you-hear-a-human-voice method. This goes on for a while. Its now about 4:00 AM, my right hand is making a sandwich and my left hand is still punching numbers. I'm up to the part where you have to spell out your mothers maiden name in binary code and enter your dogs favorite color which I realize is a trick question.

Its at this point where the redundancy begins and I start to realize why I don't normally play Phone Jeopardy. After electronically exhausting several possibilities of why I might be bothering them, the recording asks me to enter my 16 digit card number so that the customer service moron can better serve me, or hold if I am unable to press 16 digits in a row without making a mistake. This part certainly makes sense. Except that as soon as I fall for this and enter the numbers, I am asked AGAIN by the recording if I have a stupid question that could have been answered previously by their phone computer like my account balance or a legitimate question needing human analysis like:

"Is it possible to have less on the ball than Ricki Lake and not BECOME Jenny Jones?"

The way I figure it, they must be thinking, "If this guy is so stupid as to play in this phone maze for an hour, it is also likely that he missed the part where the computer could have answered his question".

Its 4:30 AM and I've made it to the holding cue where I am further aggravated by advertising in my ear of other "services" my bank offers. In the old days of "music" on hold, you could tune out the sound and continue working while the non-distracting elevator music played. When you heard a "voice" on the speakerphone you picked up the hand-set and conducted your business. This was polite and proper. But these days the music on hold continually distracts you with a tape loop complete with a loud click interrupting the music and a voice saying "Thank you for holding, a skilled customer service representative holding several degrees in business administration and accounting will be with you as soon as they are finished resolving the conflict in the mid-east". This is pretty annoying because it causes the "listener" the false adrenaline rush usually associated with that "click" noise of someone actually answering the call.

At 4:40 AM a young lady picks up and greets me as if its the middle of the afternoon. Now, I know what you're thinking... you're thinking that I'm being too hard on them and that in fact, they SHOULD react like its normal and not consider that its the middle of the freaking night.
Okay.
Granted.
BUT, think about this... unless this customer service physicist is located in Iraq, it IS the middle of the night no matter where in the USA she happens to be and you HAVE to wonder what she is really thinking about YOU being up at this hour and bugging her with some stupid credit card question!

I would love to have this job. Lord help you if *I* ever get a job as night shift "customer service technician". I swear to God, I'd be saying things like, "What happened to make you notice your bill NOW? Were you watching an infomercial selling the Butt-a-matic exerciser and realized you needed a higher credit line at this very moment or what?" I'd be really curious to know exactly what motivated you to call right NOW!

"Sir, for security purposes, can you please verify your billing address and explain what you're doing up at this hour?"

But I digress.
So, the young lady picks up the phone and she politely asks me what she can do for me. I tell her that I am dissatisfied with my current interest rate and have therefore decided to collect hundreds of roaches and mail them to the address on my statement.

I digress again. So, the young lady picks up the phone and she politely asks me what she can do for me. I explain that I would like a lower interest rate. She politely explains to me that the department that I need to speak with will be open tomorrow between the hours of 9:00 - 5:00. I say "oh".

She then politely asks if there is anything else she can do for me. I say, "Yes, thank you, can you please look on your screen for me and tell me how long I've been paying 23% interest on this credit card balance?" She says, "Well, our system here only goes back as far as the last 4 months." And I say, "Okay, I understand. Can you tell me if I've been paying 23% interest for the last 4 months?" And she replies, "No, I'm sorry. Our system updates at this time every day between the hours of 4:00 - 7:00 so our computer is unavailable. Can I do anything else for you today sir?" And I say, "Yes, what are you wearing?"

I don't get it. The credit card offers 24 hour a day service, but yet the system is down every night between 4 and 7. This isn't 24 hour service... this is 21 hour service! Why do they even offer "computer phone fun" if they can't give you any help or information once they pick up the phone? Was this exercise just for the amusement of the bank? Am I missing something here? Did they expect me to take longer to get to this point or figure they would be open by the time I entered the 16 digit card number correctly? WHAT THE HELL WAS THIS ALL ABOUT? And now I missed my opportunity to order the juicer!

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