Everything you've ever heard about New York is False.

I don't get it. Every time I get into a cab, the cab driver is on the phone. Who the hell is this guy on the phone with? He's a cab driver. This has got to be one of the most boring lives in the world! Who would be talking to this guy? Have you ever had a conversation with a New York City cabby? He works, watches TV for a few hours to relax, and sleeps. Cabby’s work their asses off. They have a 12 hour shift with a partner, also with no life, that drives the taxi for the other 12 hours a day. The car is running all the time. If Bin Laden is reincarnated, he'll come back as a taxi.

I was in a cab the other night with a friend of mine, the cabby was on the phone, it was two in the morning. I commented, (of course, because after all, that IS what I do), “Who is this guy on the phone with at two AM? Isn't this odd?”, I said to my friend. “Every time I get into a cab, the driver's on the phone! The only person in the world with a more boring life than the cabby’s, is the person who wants to be talking on the phone with a cabby at 2 AM.”

He hung up, perhaps hearing me RANT in the backseat. Then immediately got another phone call! The guy doesn't even speak English, he's speaking Arabic. That rules out Don King, he barely speaks English. I guarantee you, whomever's on the other end isn't relaying who's on Leno tonight.

I'm writing you from a Starbucks on Broadway.
Because I Have To.

In 1998 due to the political pressure that caused cigarette sales to slump, Starbucks was able to team up with a German company that manufactured habit reinforcing chemicals. I spend more on coffee than I do food OR sex.

Wait, scratch that last part.

I'm drinking a Venti Mocha Valencia. I don't think it contains any actual coffee.

All I know is - I just never thought I'd be one to hold up a liquor store for coffee money.

If Starbucks had a “ Feedbag Size” , I'd have one strapped to my face. Because I'm now caffeine addicted. (You can't see this, but I'm standing on top of the table shouting this right now). That's why there's no AA for coffee like there is for drinking or gambling. We're over caffeinated; we're not falling down and passing out, we're hyper and impatient. They tried organizing a help group for Starbucks addicts. I attended the one meeting they had; everyone was tapping their feet and their fingers and they kept screaming “Hurry UP, Jesus CHRIST!”

I'm outside at a sidewalk table, it's 9:44 PM, it's chilly, probably about fifty six degrees. An otherwise distinguished older gentleman just walked by wearing only dress shoes, black support hose, a towel draped around his shoulders and lime green boxer shorts. He's trying, at the moment to see the marquee above the theater.

Yes really.

Apparently he lives in a nearby building and didn't want to get all the way dressed before he had decided if he was really going to go out. They say, “When you live in Manhattan, the City is your living room”. If this is my living room, it's time for some of the houseguests to leave. I don't remember inviting these people over, I don't even know some of these people.

I realize that you think that's probably normal for New York, but actually it's not. The fact is, none of the things you've heard about New York City are true. In the following few minutes I'm going to set you straight about REAL life in Manhattan.

The “City That Never Sweeps”

A parking space in New York runs about $400.00 a month. This seems expensive until you realize what your apartment is going to set you back. You can park on the street but you have to move your car every day for several hours so the street cleaners can push the garbage around a little bit. One thing about New York, it's a living laboratory. Most of the homeless in New York started out as bacteria. So wash your hands.

But that “City That Never Sleeps” thing? That's just a lie for the tourists. I live on the upper East Side, and I'm lucky if I can get a freaking Pepsi after 7:30 PM. No kidding. If this place was ever an all-niter town, it must have been during someone else's Twilight Zone episode because there's NOTHING open at night in NYC.

You know how you can go to the department store in your town probably until at least 9 PM? Well in NYC you can forget it. Stores in NYC close up tight by 7 PM or earlier; and THAT was during the Christmas season! It's amazing. And when I say tight, I'm talking monster truck proof tight! Huge steel walls from “Get Smart” come down over the storefronts. A late night movie? Forget it, even the all-night Laundromats close by 10 PM.

And that “Cutting Edge Music Scene”? Ever wonder where the music of the early 70's went? If you ever want to live the music scene in New York City, rummage under the seats of your mother's car for 8-Track tapes. Neil Diamond, Elton John, Three Dog Night... It's horrible.

...you know...the “knick-knack paddy whack” song? Yeah, that one...I've heard it while dining, shopping, getting mugged...It's amazing. I was with a date one time and we walked into the grocery store to get some sour cream and chives, (you know, safe sex and all that) and that song was playing again. I yelled, “Do you hear that? I can't believe it, who listens to this by choice? I feel like an infant. Where's the manager? I'm going to make him burp me.” And because it's New York, of course they were performing LIVE so needless to say I wasn't making any friends in there.

The Apartments in New York are unbelievably expensive.  I'm talking like most expensive on earth.  I have a tiny studio apartment I'm renting for $1,750.00 a month!  In a previous life I think someone's TV was shipped in it.  

There's not enough elbow room in here to open mail. If I plug anything into the wall outlet, I can't get past.

When I moved in, my upstairs neighbors thought I was complaining about their noise...but it was my head hitting the ceiling.  

When I flush the toilet it sucks out all the air conditioning.  

I had a small bed delivered but there wasn't room to remove the box so I returned it, got a fold out sofa and had to sleep in an ”M”.  Now I have an Aerobed air mattress, which is embarrassing when you date. After a night of “passion” we'd generate static electricity and wake up covered with lint and dress socks.  I have to deflate it whenever I want to open the refrigerator.  And this isn't a big refrigerator we're talking here, this is a Barbie refrigerator. It doesn't make ice cubes, it makes frost.

This place is so small I can't get radio reception.  I'm forced to limit my beverages to shots. I keep it dark, if I open the blinds I can't turn around without slicing my back up!  

Before they enclosed this building I'm pretty sure my apartment was a “compact car only” parking space in a 5 story garage.

They covered the walls in here with mirrors but there wasn't space for the reflections so it just gives the impression of a really crowded room. When I pass gas, the change in air pressure makes my ears pop.

But I digress.

Actually I'm enjoying New York. The people in New York are nice as hell, polite, and have incredible personality. They have a great sense of humor and they know how to laugh at themselves. New Yorkers are not thin skinned, lucky for both of us.

They speak their mind. I like that. There's no false politeness or political correctness happening here. New Yorkers shoot from the hip. And the talk about them being nasty is a myth. People in New York are almost TOO friendly. Ask directions from a New Yorker and you'll likely be still standing there 20 minutes later trying to get away from him.

I took my camcorder around town and noticed, however, that New Yorkers don't like to be filmed. But again, because they are an open and honest bunch, I have lots of tape of people flipping me the bird and covering my lens with their hands.

A quick mention about Dogs.

You'd think that in a city where their isn't any grass or houses, that there wouldn't be any dogs. But Everyone has a dog. Even the large dogs, have smaller emergency back-up dogs. It was really surprising.

And you can bring your dog into the grocery store with you, even if it's NOT an Asian restaurant!  I love dogs, so this doesn't bother me. I thought of this just now because someone brought their dog into the coffee shop and ordered a Grande Mocha Latte, and I would have thought that chocolate would have been bad for him.

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