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This
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June 2006
Welcome to the June issue of RANT Magazine®. We want to hear from you, drop us a quick note, tell us how you got here, when you stopped by and what you took while we were in the bathroom.
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Q. What's the difference between George Bush and Rush Limbaugh?
A. Rush Limbaugh has a prescription drug plan.
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Other News: WASHINGTON, DC -- President Bush proposes a new national sales tax.
Feeling that he hasn't done enough to tax the middle-class, and desperate for funds now that the deficit has grown to the largest in history, President Bush last week said he would be pushing Congress to enact a new tax program that would only affect those Americans that are unable to purchase goods in Canada and elsewhere outside the US.
Asked for comment, Republican Senators said they "would not endorse such a plan until the President came up with another name for it that didn't so clearly spell out what they were doing."
What's your opinion?
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The Republicans want to change the standard work week in the US from 40 to 50 hours
The Bush Administration wishes to do away with the 40 hour week and replace it with a new 50 hour work week standard. Pressured by Republican lawmakers in the United States, last week Siemens corporation increased the work week in both of their German plants, imposing a 40-hour week instead of the previously established 35-hour week.
Workers will receive no compensation for the extra hours worked. In addition, the company cut supplementary payments and benefit plans.
In a 1961 lecture, Aldous Huxley described a police state as “the final revolution”:
a “dictatorship without tears [where people] love their servitude.” The goal is to produce “a kind of painless concentration camp for entire societies so that people will, in fact, have their liberties taken away...
but...will be distracted from any desire to rebel by propaganda or brainwashing ... enhanced by pharmacological methods.” Zoloft anyone?
What's your opinion?
Original claims were revised bringing the total of unemployed in the U.S. to a number so high even the illegal aliens are leaving. Recent Important News Update: Regarding the news story below, (reported almost exclusively by RANT by the way) - the law was recently reversed due to Democratic pressure after the law was enacted. We've left the story up so you can see one of the things that you had no idea was going on. WASHINGTON, DC -- Thanks to George W. Bush and those pesky Republicans, as of August 23, 2004 if you make between $23,660 - $100,000 a year you will no longer be eligible to receive overtime pay. Kiss that time and a half for working over 40 hours a week goodbye. Hey, sorry man, but you should have been watching something other than FOX news. Yes, while you were busy defending Bush and cursing "those annoying Liberals and their depression-era laws" (enacted to protect the Middle-Class), in that freaky cult-like manner so common in Bush supporters, he and the rest of the Republican Party were giving you the "thorny penis" in the ass yet again. You'd think you'd learn. Breaking News: A new study released and reported in the Pediatrics online journal says HBO television's "Sex And The City" encourages teens to start sex earlier. HBO spokesman Jeff Cusson retorted, "We do not believe that one show can alter a person's sexual behavior." During follow-up questions about the HBO shows "Queers And The City", "Latex And The City", and "Sheep And The City", Mr. Cusson suddenly yelled "Gotta Go!" and ran from the room. Numerous phone calls to HBO asking about a link in rising violence to "The Sopranos", "Oz", and "How To Torture A Hostage" were not returned. Breaking News: President Bush held a news conference today to push his Social Security demise. Opponents say Bush's plan will add, not subtract from the national debt, cut the benefits and does nothing at all to extend Social Security. Other News: Its Apple's 11th anniversary! On January 27th in 1984, the first Macintosh Computer hit the market introducing the world to a brand new computer term that would later become a household word; "incompatible". During the Superbowl of 1984 Apple ran its now famous commercial where a running man throws a hammer through a computer screen while the announcer overtones, "...Unification of Thoughts is more powerful a weapon than any fleet or army on earth. We are one people, with one will, one resolve, one cause" and one more operating system. Years later, the "cause" was clear - the People wanted a purple case. And as for "unification", Apple did everything in its power to be the most propriatory system ever invented. Other News: If you smoke, you're fired! The owner of a Michigan company who forced his employees to either quit smoking or quit their jobs has now said he also wants fat workers to lose weight. Michigan-based Weyco Inc., owned by Howard Weyers Weyers was "successful", several employees quit smoking and several were forced to quit their job. Now Weyers has decided that overweight employees are next on his hit list. In defending his causes Weyers said, "I'm not controlling their lives; they have a choice whether they want to work here." Weyers has hired "life style" coaches and implemented other methods to make his employees exercise during lunch and after work and only eat foods Weyers finds agreeable. What a dick. Republicans, thank you for deregulating the banking industry. Capital One’s slogan has changed from “What’s in your wallet?” to “What’s in your anus?”. Its the Thorny Penis of the Banking industry which is now charging 27.94% interest in the case of Capital One to its “customers”. Capital One is just one of many banks now charging loan shark interest rates due to the recent de-regulation of the banking industry. Here's another fact reported by CNBC today: The highest profit company in the entire world is Citigroup. Other News: Apple introduces its new computer called "Mac Mini". The unit is smaller than a toaster and has the equivalent computing power. The big news appears to center around the $499.00 price of the Mac Mini. The price doesn't include a monitor, keyboard or mouse, and barely includes a hard drive, the hard drive is a low speed 40 gig drive. Apple expects its core users won't notice the lack of "accessories", memory, or power needed for actual computer operation since... well... they never have in the past. Asked why anyone would pay three times the price of a comparably equiped Windows machine, and have no upgradeability, Steve Jobs said "It's not how it works, it's how it looks sitting on your desk that's important to our customer base, besides by the time you factor in the cost of the keyboard and mouse the price of the new Mini Mac is closer to that of a high-end Windows machine anyway".
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Breaking News: Jobless numbers released Friday even worse than Thursday's miserable numbers causing tremors in the stock market.
handles insurance claims and demanded that employees take a urine test to determine if they smoked. Weyers took it upon himself to ban all his employees from smoking at work or at their homes.
Other News: Planned Parenthood clinics around the US are bracing for attacks after convicted murderer and Olympic bomber Eric Rudolph issued a manifesto justifying killings and attacks against such clinics and their workers. Apparently its okay to kill people after they're born but not before. 
Peripheral Vision™
From the Rant Newsroom
located in New York City
Breaking News: What's New? Dress Codes.
Next time you're in the supermarket, have them scan your tee-shirt. These are the actual barcodes for the words displayed below them. Available exclusively through RANT Magazine.
"Dress Codes" Fashion Bar Code.
Want to design your own? We'll put your saying in a barcode at no extra charge! Send an email to:
Breaking News: Apple Switches to Incompatible Platform. Apple has announced that its future Mac computers will not only be incompatible with everything else but will soon be incompatible with itself.
Apple computer announced Monday that it will switch to using Intel microprocessors and abandon its current operating system and its chip supplier, IBM.
Apple will have to alter the Macintosh operating system so radically that new Macs won't be compatible with existing Mac software or will run so slow that the traditional pen and paper may make a comeback for Mac users.
Breaking News: “Trust” Hormone Discovered: Scientists in Switzerland and the United States have discovered that exposure to the hormone Oxytocin "causes a substantial increase in trusting behavior - and that the hormone could be misused and exploited."
Whitehouse officials asked to comment about the discovery stated, "Don't believe what the Left Wing Media is telling you", then sprayed something into our reporters face.
Breaking News: FBI to investigate AIG. 
AIG is turning out to be another Enron, citing "accounting errors" but they're not "errors" of course, they're "deliberates".
Fraudulent actions. The only "error" was getting caught, but that too was incorporated into the fraud scheme. As long as the fraudulent activity yields more income for the companies than the fines extract, corporations consider fraud a successful business venture.
Are you going to do anything about it? No, you'll be watching American Idol or Crank Yankers.
But Thursday May 5th, news was released that now the FBI is getting involved. AIG admitted Sunday to lying about BILLIONS of dollars in order to boost the net-worth of the company.
AIG issued a statement utilizing the phrases "improperly used", "uncovered misleading", and "improper booking" hoping to lessen the impact of the news release phrases of "fraud, deception, stealing, and lying".
According to The Boston Globe, an FBI report released at the briefing says the FBI is focused on: insurance related corporate fraud, the diversion of policyholder premiums for the personal benefit of executives, and worker's compensation frauds that target pools of small businesses.
These accusations are in addition to an ongoing investigation of AIG for bid rigging (over charging) and other insurance scandals.
Breaking News: Why we (and you) love Eliot Spitzer.
Anti-Fraud Superhero Eliot Spitzer is the man who exposed Enron's fraud scandal in which thousands of individual investors lost their retirement funds.
He's also sued GlaxoSmithKline for withholding negative information about their drug Paxil and recommending it to children, AIG for bid rigging where school districts, individuals and companies were over-charged for insurance, Simon (one of the largest shopping mall owners in the US) for violating gift card fee charges to consumers, high-interest banking schemes by Capital One and others aimed at the elderly that charged up to 500% interest rates, MonsterHut (an email marketing spam giant) for deceiving consumers...
We could go on and on and on. This man is truly the People's Attorney.
RANT Magazine is endorsing Eliot Spitzer. Vote for him in 2008.
Now if we could just get Lou Dobbs in office this nation would be set!
Breaking News: President Bush suggests raising the retirement age above 70. More people will be unable to ever collect their benefits because so many more people die before the age of 70 verses 65. Raising the retirement age above 70 will save corporations billions of dollars. This savings, in turn, will be reflected in lower costs for consumers...I'm sorry...I just snorted coffee out of my nose when I wrote that last sentence.
I have no poker face. No, of course it won't be passed onto consumers, I made that part up. But it will be passed on to the CEO's bonus, which in turn is passed on to the Republican re-election campaigns, which in turn put thousands of people to work...albeit not in this country. But look at the bright side, if you're out of work, you don't need to think about retirement so it really makes no difference what he does.
And aren't wealthy CEO's what its all about?
If you weren't such a greedy American worker you'd stop bitching about your jobs being shipped overseas, corporate fraud, trade deficits, and just accept that your senior years are going to suck and you'd better learn to speak more Chinese than what's on your take-out menu. Okay, its settled then.
Breaking News: First ChoicePoint, then LexisNexis, and now the entire Internal Revenue Service - What do they all have in 
common? They've all got your personal information splattered into the streets.
The IRS admitted today that their computer system is wide open with password lists "widely available" according to a report issued by the Government Accountability Office. (See more on ChoicePoint and identity theft below.)
Breaking News: Sex with your credit card? Unknowingly many common Visa card holders in good standing are being sodomized by interest rates of 29.99%. Taking advantage of weakened consumer protection laws endorsed by President Bush; Paypal and other Visa card issuers default interest rate is "Prime Rate plus 24.49 or 29.99% whichever is greater". Check your statements and don't drop the soap near a banking institution! What's that? You don't get involved in politics?
Breaking News: There's news from the University of Minnesota that 43 men have gone blind from Viagra use 
which caused a "stroke of the eye". Pfizer spokespeople have issued a statement that this is "just a coincidence". Beavis spokespeople issued a statement that the choice of the word "stroke" while discussing Viagra was no coincidence.
OH and TIVO, the company that sold you on "commercial free TV" now has pop-up ads. Yes. Pop-up ads now on your TV. This is so ironic that RANT didn't even have to remake the Tivo slogan! That's the real one. Apparently Satan wasn't using that slogan anymore and it was up for grabs.
In keeping with full disclosure, I have already sold all of my TIVO stock and will be calling them later today to cancel the service.
If this bums you out, again it's your own fault. Had you purchased the Instant Replay brand which was Tivo's rival a few years ago, none of this would have happened. I hope you can sleep at night knowing this.
Breaking News: Well here’s an interesting bit of tid — Adelphia, a leading cable TV operator was to become the nation’s first to feature explicit hard-core pornography.
This is the same Adelphia that created a storm of controversy five years ago when it dropped “Spice” - a soft-porn channel because Adelphia founder John Rigas, a Conservative, considered X-rated programming “immoral”.
You might consider this ironic, had you been born yesterday. But an educated reader like yourself already understands the definition of Conservative: Hypocritical Vulgarian Greed Worshiper.
Hence, it should come as no surprise that what was really choking John Rigas’ chicken was simply the amount of money Spice was offering him. Playboy Enterprises had deeper pockets and had Rigas on his knees, so to speak, begging to carry their harder core XXX content.
Oh and you might have noticed I started this article with the words “WAS” to become the nation’s hard core porno carrier. Well as it turns out, the deal fell through because Rigas and his son are facing prison terms after being convicted of looting the company and engaging in fraudulent accounting.
Oh those wacky Conservatives!
Breaking News: Criminals posing as "legitimate businesses" have accessed critical personal data stored by ChoicePoint Inc., a firm that maintains databases of information on virtually every U.S. citizen.
Though this type of fraudulent use invades your privacy all the time, the reason this one was made public is because the breach was located in California - the only state that requires the public be notified when their personal information has been compromised.
So although your privacy was also affected, if you don't reside in California, you'll simply have to wait until your house gets foreclosed to discover you've been victimized because the entire United States was in that California database.
Seems the privacy rights of the Corporation outweigh the privacy rights of the Population.
Never heard of ChoicePoint?
That's because your head is in the sand, (I was going to say "up your ass" but decided to censor myself since I didn't know the following fact either) - ChoicePoint are the guys that the Bush Administration hired to throw out the votes of 94,000 Florida residents that it claimed were felons. Later, after the election, it was discovered that only 3,000 of the 94,000 trashed votes were actually felons...the rest were registered Democrats.
Breaking News: CIA warns - outsourcing detrimental to the middle class of the United States.
The Central Intelligence Agency’s National Intelligence Council has released findings that specifically warn “China and India’s integration into the global economy is creating a huge low-cost labor force. As more companies take advantage of this labor, the transition will not be painless and will hit the middle classes of the developed world in particular, lowering their standards of living considerably”.
Oddly enough, there was no inclusion of this news in the President's State of the Union Address.
Feature Story: Sirusly, its all about Pornography.
Sirus satellite radio (SIRI) has been sky 
rocketing (no pun intended) in the last few weeks on multiple changes to their game plan including a fancy new CEO from Viacom — shown here practicing for when the Justice Department arrests him for fraud as they eventually do with all CEO's of large American companies.
So is the growing popularity of satellite radio justified?
Well I'd have said yes...and no. Which is exactly what everyone else in the news is saying but they're using the phrase “That being said” and being paid more for their opinion.
I'm not going to do that. It's a cop out, and they just don't pay me enough.
Here's the deal as I see it. Everyone keeps comparing satellite radio to cable TV and while this sounds viable, a look beyond the peripheral vision exposes this as specious reasoning.
See the thing about television is that television reception used to be a pain in the ass. No matter where you were located you had to move your antenna around to clear up reception whenever you changed the channel.
The other thing that cable TV brought to the table was their promise that if we paid for TV, than the cable networks would give us commercial-free programming because, after all, as it was explained to us, the viewers via their monthly fees, would take the place of the advertisers.
Well, that lasted about 10 minutes.
As soon as enough people screwed in their cable, cable screwed them back. They added commercials (more in fact, than were on broadcast channels) and then they introduced "Premium" channels...which promised movies and um...no commercials all over again.
The populace then signed up for HBO and Cinemax and those companies then both reneged on that silly movie thing and came out with "original content" which is cable-speak for “soft porn”.
Still though, the advent of cable TV coincided with the advent of the remote control and by now the public was addicted to sitting on their ass...commercials or not, at least they didn't have to futz with the antenna or get out of the chair.
So...did the promise of cable TV come to fruition?
No. You were basically screwed in that deal.
You're now paying out the ass to watch the same garbage you used to get for free and thanks to programming like "Desperate Housewives" and "Sluts and the City"... your wife now thinks its perfectly normal to have an affair while you're at work.
WILL the promise of satellite radio come to fruition?
Well — if the promise is that you're going to get the same deal you got with cable TV.
The problem though with this comparison of television to radio is that I don't have to adjust the antenna to receive AM/FM radio. So, given cable TV's history of broken promises...the question is really... Can you fool the American public twice at the same game?
One need look no further than the last election to get the answer to that.
So it all comes down to this; what's the public's desire for soft porn on the radio?
Just ask Howard Stern.
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