Dental Hygienists—On the RANT Warp-age scale, "1" being a Saturn automobile owner and "10" being Shirley Maclaine (Orrin Hatch, of course, being off the scale along with Trent Lott, George W. Bush and that muscle builder on the infomercial at 3 AM), you have to be at least a "4" to be a dentist. And perhaps a "4.3" to be a dental hygienist.

Can you imagine spending all your days scraping another stranger's plaque...with no hope of even ever getting to play with the drill?  And how come the dental hygienist never gets promoted to dentist anyway? 

Because they're always chicks.  Men are put on this earth to operate the tools, women are here to clean up the mess we leave behind as any home-owning couple knows.

I was getting my teeth “cleaned” by the hygienist. I had gone to this particular dentist because he had the latest zippy equipment for his hygienist. Like a water pick device that can cut through an iron safe. But on this day, the water sabre wouldn't work when she put it in my mouth.  Although it worked when she shot her pants leg with it, but when she raised it to my mouth, it wouldn't turn on. “This is an omen,” she said.

“That you shouldn't be operating heavy machinery?”

“No, that I need to get my pants cleaned, look at the difference this thing makes when I shoot it through my clothing!”

“Yeah, look at that. It's going to take you weeks to do the whole outfit though”.

She says, “You're pretty funny for a guy with tooth decay.”

“You don't actually know that yet.”

“You've got one area of your mouth that bleeds a little more then it should”, she quips.

“I've noticed that myself", I said "When I go home and stab sharp metal objects into my gums. Is there an amount it's supposed to bleed and I've exceeded it or something?”

“That's for the dentist to decide.”

“So you're just here warming me up?”

“Right, making sure you're bleeding. Then I sell you our dry cleaning package and we remove the stains with this hydro-pick.”

She had to do my whole mouth MANUALLY. Without the use of the water razor; which was the whole reason I even GOT a ticket for this ride. I can't believe it's the year 2000 and I've still got some broad, one leg on my chest, poking at my teeth with a bent needle on a stick and yelling "DIE SATAN'S PLAQUE DIE"...while musak drones on in the background...though I may be confusing this with my date last weekend so don't take it verbatim.

I read somewhere that they had lasers now that cleaned your teeth and sprayed water on them at the same time. My next dentist will have one of those. And I'll get my vision corrected in the same visit.

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