Cat, the Other White Meat

I am an extreme dog lover, but I have to tell you, Pugs are just screaming ugly dogs.

In New York City, Pugs are exceedingly popular because they're a couch potato dog. Meaning not only do they not bitch to be walked, but during walks they constantly look for a Starbucks to sit down and rest for a minute.

That's because they can't really breathe.  In the wild, Pugs hunt for air conditioning.

Their face is all scrunched up and their noses are always snotty. They slobber on themselves, sneeze a lot, and they're always panting like an obscene phone call. This dog looks like it should be in bed with a hot-water bottle - like it partied too much the night before.

Some dogs are working dogs, like Border Collies or Corgis. A Pug is a call-in sick dog. If a Pug worked for you, he'd be out on disability a lot.

They're nice dogs. If you own a Pug, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this isn't a nice dog. But come on, it's probably not nice by choice, it takes energy to be a pain in the ass. If anyone knows that, I do.

If a Pug wore pants,
its crack would be showing.

Even though its the kind of dog that says, “Hey little girl, want a piece of candy?” chicks dig this dog. Chicks LOVE ugly dogs, the uglier the better. Pugs and Bulldogs are chick magnets. They don't even notice the mucus this animal is bearing yet they won't pet a snake.

A woman will complain like crazy for you to remove your shoes before entering her house but won't bat an eye over the fact that her cat sheds on everything.

And cats don't shed like a dog does, cats shed like alien pods trying to reproduce another cat. And they do it every 5 minutes.

Cats even cough up fur. No other animal sheds like this. And it's useless fur, its not like you can do anything with it, like make a sweater or something. You never see anyone wearing a Calico sweater. You'd think, by the way it sticks to everything, that you could. Cats aren't sent into space as test animals for this very reason, without gravity they'd get cat hair all over the universe.

Entire cat hair planets would form. You could live on them, but never wear dark clothing. Monstrous factories would sprout up that manufactured nothing but lint rollers.

OH - and glue. There would be glue factories on Planet Cat. Because cats knock over everything. I have no idea why cats have a reputation of elegance. They’re the Jerry Lewis of pets.

Cats don't move off the stairs no matter how many times you step on them and they walk on everything and purposefully break all your stuff. Why? Because they're pissed that you won't let them stick their needle paws into your flesh. Cats can do this non-stop and never tire of it.

Unlike cat owners, people with dogs like to take them places, because the dog is always up for something. Be it a walk on the beach, or dinner under the stars, a dog will shower you with affection, cuddle, let you choose the wine, and portend interest when you tell him old jokes.

A cat won't even understand that you're telling a joke. Or for that matter have any grasp that you're attempting some sort of communication. Cats don't even speak like any other animal. They involuntarily do some vibration noise thing in their throats, that most of the time, they themselves, don't even pay attention to.

Or they “meow”. Whatever the hell that's supposed to be.

It's not like they're speaking. They don't meow several times rapidly, or point to anything when they meow. Cats meow with the enthusiasm other animals reserve for a yawn.

That's why people that go to psychics always own cats. If you're someone that thinks your cat communicates, it's not a far reach to think you can speak to dead presidents.

It's amazing to me that people go to psychics to communicate with the dead. Now, I'm not saying that psychics don't have some abilities developed far beyond an average person. The ability to live their entire lives in a basement apartment in Brooklyn sitting in a chair looking out the window for instance. Or pick a sofa that won't clash terribly with a neon sign.

But communicate with dead people? Dead people don't have credit cards, how are they going to communicate back to the psychic?

For the record, I don't hate cats. I love all creatures. But its no coincidence that Satan, Snakes, and Cats all have the same freaky eyes, can see in the dark, and drive BMW’s.

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